Name: About Love
Author: Chen Yung-Yi

📖 Book Summary

*About Feelings* is written by Chen Yung-yi, a clinical psychologist licensed in both Taiwan and the United States. She has taught at several top universities and hosts the podcast *Psychology — No Study Required*, which deconstructs psychology in accessible language. *About Feelings: Five Roles, Meeting a Psychologist While Learning About Love* is not about pink bubbles — it is about *relationship*: lover, self, spouse, parent–child, family member — five roles you will inevitably play. Its format is unconventional, more like a "serial drama" set in a therapist's office. Monday through Friday, each day brings one case, one dialogue, and one stretch of the therapist's internal reasoning and self-questioning, letting you follow your own blind spots the way you would binge a TV series.

✍️ Reading Notes

What I find most practical about this book is that it does not rush to teach you "what makes a good partner." Instead it first lays out a crueller truth: many relationships break not because of a lack of love, but because we treat each other as emotional dumpsters and then demand the other person "catch it, catch it gracefully, and ideally hand back advice afterwards." So the book keeps doing something like "relationship chiropractic": identifying where you are stuck and then teaching you a posture that will not worsen the pain the harder you twist. In intimate relationships we often fall into a loop of "proving I'm right and you're wrong," but Dr. Chen reminds us: curiosity is the antidote. When conflict arises, try asking "why do you think that way?" rather than rushing to rebut. This does not mean agreeing with the other person's view — it is a necessary step to open the channel of communication. As in the book's case of Xiaoli and Haowei, arguments need rules: for instance, when Haowei needs solo time to cool down, he must announce the timeframe rather than going silent without warning. This kind of "consensus-based conflict management" transforms the "abandonment feeling" in a relationship into a "respectful pause." The book's reference to Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" is another alarm for relationship collapse. The four horsemen are: criticism (attacking the person rather than the issue), contempt (the most destructive, born of habitual criticism), defensiveness (excessive self-protection), and stonewalling (building a cold wall of silence). They correspond to conquest, war, famine, and death, reminding us that once contempt and stonewalling become routine, the relationship's foundation has already cracked. From a psychological perspective, the blind spots behind these behaviours belong to everyone — they are unrelated to ability, but they require "empathy" — placing yourself in the other person's shoes — to dissolve. Another highly actionable insight is the distinction between "thought" and "feeling." Cognitive-behavioural therapy emphasises that thoughts directly drive feelings. When we say "I feel cheated," that is actually a "thought" that needs verification; the disappointment or anger that follows is the real "feeling." By clarifying the two, we can build "psychological flexibility" the way we build muscle. In Amy's case, for example, "finding a sense of belonging" should not have only one path — "going back to Taiwan" (inflexible) — but could also involve joining relevant communities to build connections (increasing diversity). Finally, the book reminds us that maintaining relationships requires "prioritisation." Just like the early dating days, deliberately carving out time and attention for important people is the most solid work of relationship-building. Trust is not something you demand; it is built through countless instances of proving you can be relied on. Through this book, we learn not only how to love others but how, through other people’s stories, to see and repair our own blind spots.

💬 Discussion Points

1Which of the "Four Horsemen" patterns do you most often fall into in relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling? What do you think it is protecting?
2Are you more the "I need to cool down first" type or the "Come out here and talk to me right now" type? If you were designing argument rules for yourselves, what would be rule number one?
3Do you have a phrase you say often that is actually a "thought disguised as a feeling"? If you split it into "I'm thinking … / I feel …," what would change?

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